It’s kinda hard being invested in a show that’s based on a set of books, for a bunch of reasons. Number one, it’s quite easy to find out what’s going to happen 2 seasons from now and who dies; just read the damn book. Number two, you’re at the mercy of an author who decides how things go, and scriptwriters don’t exactly have the liberty of changing things around depending on which character the audience loves or hates. In this case you have an author who probably snickers gleefully every time he reads people complaining online about how all the good (read good-looking) people keep getting killed.
Unfortunately, I’m invested. Damn you, George.
Anyway, enough complaining. Also, I haven’t read the books so I haven’t a damn clue what happens after the TV episode.
So, the opening credits montage is always fun to watch because it gives you a hint of where the action is. Unfortunately, the winding models are same-old same-old. We’re still getting a burning Winterfell for some stupid reason, the action hasn’t been there in a while. And Dreadfort shows up too, despite no scenes featuring the twisted piece of shit that is Ramsay Snow.
But we do finally get to see Meereen, and it looks marvelous. Except, Danaerys just showed up, so it probably won’t stay marvelous for long.
You probably remember how Episode 2 ended, looking at King Asshole-in-Chief Joffrey’s dead-as-fuck face. You probably remember feeling the happiest you’ve felt in a long time. Guess how Episode 3 starts…
So anyway, shit’s just hit the fan at Kings Landing, and Tyrion is being blamed. Damn you, George, if you kill him too… Compounding the problem is the fact that his wife Sansa has just been smuggled off on a boat. Which means he’s in such deep shit that I don’t think he’s going to be able to trial-by-combat his way out of this mess.
Also, important fact: the king is dead. Which means, TOMMEN BARATHEON IS THE NEW KING. Didn’t see that one coming, did you? Plus, cursed wife of two kings Margaery Tyrell and evil scheming grandma Tyrell are already plotting to marry king number 3. I call Paedophile Alert. Yes, GoT is super fucked-up. And if I went into the details of everything that’s happening in Kings Landing (Jaime and Cersei in the tomb scene), you’d all run for cover from the fucked-up shitstorm that just hit you.
EDIT: I’ve been told to disregard the well-being of the reader and just have you all run for cover, so I shall now narrate the Jaime and Cersei in the tomb scene and reiterate just how fucked up things get.
Cersei and new king Tommen are standing and staring at dead Joffrey. Cersei is devastated to no end because her kid was just killed, while Tommen is probably just wondering about kittens or something. Tywin comes in and starts asking various questions that prove that he is looking at the bright side of all of this (like every fucking viewer of the show), and takes Tommen away to tell him about the birds and the bees. Which is really in his own self interest, because he’ll soon get to see Margaery Tyrell naked, and that’s the whole point of everything.
Jaime walks in and tells all the random priests to take a hike, because he’s obviously hard as fuck for his sister (I warned you that this would be fucked up). Cersei cries a bit about how Tyrion killed their baby boy and wants Jaime to kill him, but her boyfriendtwinbrotherwithbenefits will do no such thing, because he doesn’t think Tyrion did it. Which he didn’t, considering Peter Baelish essentially already admitted to the whole thing at the beginning of the episode, and Grandma Tyrell also obviously had a role to play in it.
Jaime then proceeds to force himself ONTO HIS TWIN SISTER IN FRONT OF THEIR INCESTUOUS BASTARD SON’S DEAD BODY IN A CRYPT WHILE SHE INSISTS THAT IT ISN’T RIGHT. #WhatTheFuck. That isn’t even the most fucked up part. Cersei resists for all of 11.7 seconds before she decides, ‘Fuck it, I’m horny right now’ and gets onto the Jaime-wagon. STOP FUCKING EVERYONE’S MIND, GEORGE.
(End of edit)
Meanwhile, Arya Stark and The Hound are still wandering about. Nothing major to report there, except the Hound is kinda fucked-up. Just like everything else in this fucked-up show.
The Wall starts off with one of the legendary scenes of the episode, where some trainer type chap is walking about pointing at random night’s watch volunteers and describing why they’re on wall-duty. Most of them are rapers, who chose Wall over death. Good choice, that one.
Unfortunately, the rest of the wall is boring as fuck, because it centers around the incredibly boring sub-plot of this idiot.
Seriously bro. No one gives a flying fuck about Samwell Tarly.
Anyway, back to Kings Landing. The capital city of the universe’s most fucked-up nation is being its typical fucked-up self, with a rather weird orgy taking place in a brothel. You really don’t want to know.
Lets skip to where things actually happen. Tywin Lannister walks in and interrupts a bunch of naked people, most of who are told to walk out of the room naked, because there’s no time for clothing. Prince Oberyn is of course allowed to put clothes on, because Tywin obviously does not want to be talking to some chap who is visibly nursing a semi.
Long story short, Tyrion is going to stand trial, and Tywin wants Oberyn to join him and Dipshit Tyrell on the council of judges. He also wants him to be a member of the advisory council to the king, which essentially means ‘give me your forces and loyalty, and I’ll give you some real power in this bitch’.
Oberyn wants something in return, and he gets it. A meeting with the guy that raped and killed his sister. Shit is going down tonight.
Also in the fucked-up Landing, SuperSquire Podrick Payne pays his last visit to Tyrion, and updates him on whats happening. He is then told to send Jaime to Tyrion, and to kripya karke fuck off, because he might be in trouble for supporting a Kingslayer. He cries and leaves like the wuss he is (Alright he’s no wuss, he’s actually pretty cool).
Skip to wall territory, and what happens next is this guy.
He and a bunch of wildlings raid a settlement just south of the wall, kill almost everyone and eat them. Yes, cannibals. Have I mentioned how fucked-up this show is?
Anyway, the wall is in trouble. The wildlings already have the resources to take castle Black, and the only thing saving them is a lie Jon Snow told last season. Basically, they’re in deep shit.
Now, if all the minor stuff is out of the way, we finally go to the bad-ass section of the show. Danaerys just walked up to Meereen with way too many trained soldiers and a bunch of dragons.
Meereen are trying to be intimidating themselves, and send out a champion to humiliate the forces of Targaryen. Chief Bad-Ass of team Khaleesi, Daario Naharis volunteers to take him on, and proceeds to produce bad-assery of such calibre that he comes up with both the top quote of the episode and the combat maneuver of the series so far. I refuse to describe this one, just watch it. All I have to say is that horses are dumber than men.
What follows is a speech to the slaves of Meereen, appealing to them to revolt. She then catapults a bunch of old slave collars into Meereen, and suddenly those slaves are thinking that she might just be onto something…
That’s all from me and this episode of GoT. Stay tuned for more.